The Sex Vest

The conversation has of course turned, in recent days,  to the topic of postoperative sexual relationships.  As you may recall from an earlier post, I did offer Mrs W the chance of a quick bathroom shuffle whilst I was in hospital,using the opportunity to exploit the room’s asymmetric bar system that seemed to be begging for some action.  Apparently, that was too soon after the operation and I could have injured myself.

I left the hospital armed with many leaflets and guides, all designed to aid my understanding and knowledge and encourage my recuperation. Two though stand out as key documents that will, shape my recovery and return to normality.  The first is titled ‘Maintaining Personal and Professional Relationships With a Stoma’ and  the second, ‘Love and Sex for People With a Stoma’.  I’m sure you don’t want to hear me witter on about professional relationships with a stoma, so let’s cut to the chase and answer the question “how do you get it on without the bag getting in the way?”.  Here the leaflet offers some helpful tips and hear is where my children and mother should stop reading.

The present – fold the bag up (if empty) and secure it to the body with tape.  Perhaps not parcel or sellotape, maybe something more like surgical tape.  Although I am not sure how alluring I will look, lurching across the bedroom with six yards of tape stretched across my midriff.  If you have seen my christmas present wrapping skills, you will know that this method ain’t going to work for me and I really don’t know where I will stick the bow.

The mask – cover the bag with a cotton pouch to avoid it rubbing your or your partner’s skin during the act.  Mrs W is a dab hand with a needle and thread and so I wonder if she will knock up a couple of special “Saturday Night” covers for me?  Maybe a red satin number or something in leopard print with some sparkles.  HOT!!!

The cap – there are small ‘caps’ that can be used to cover the stoma temporarily (in my case it will only need to be for a short while). Maybe something jeweled or perhaps with the adornment of a tassel to signal that tonight’s the night!

The final suggestion came from one of my very good friends who felt that the wearing of a sex vest was a great idea.  A long vest that covered the bag and also acted as a means of transforming me in to some sort of mediterranean god with bristling muscles and chest hair.  She very kindly bought me a pack of two, so that when the time is right, I can lay adonis-like across our double bed and tempt Mrs W with my west-country delights.

Fortunately for me, I have been married to a wonderful lady for almost 22 years who doesn’t really care whether I wear a sex vest, tassle or Cath Kidston styled cotton cover, as she will take me as I am.  Which is exactly how I like it and exactly why we have been married for all this time. X




Andrew Williams

50 year old, living with his colon and bowel cancer and all that that entails. Quietly sweary, family man living in Somerset, UK.

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