I have got into a routine with my colostomy bag, changing it typically twice per day. I have to say that this takes far less time than I used to spend sat on the loo browsing the net on my iPad. Anyway, I have a feeling that today may be an extraordinary day and will definitely be a three bag day and maybe even pushing four. The reasons for this are simple.
First, last night Mrs W and I had dinner with Nanny and Grandad Burnham, as they are known in our household, or Mrs W’s Dad and stepmum as they are more correctly titled. Over the many years of our wonderful marriage, we frequently visited with the offspring and were treated to vast platters of grub and nosh. Grandad is a Yorkshireman who likes his food and when you couple this with Nanny who is a top-notch cook, you end up with a table full of delights that could feed the troops for weeks.
There have been many occasions in the past when having returned home from the dinner table and put the children to bed, Mrs W and I have been laid in our pit and I have tentatively approached her with amorous intentions only to be warned off in the very strongest terms with “DON’T COME NEAR ME I WILL BURST IF YOU JUMP ON ME!” And so as a result of our many visits to Nanny and Grandad Burnham, we never managed to increase the number of offspring past the modest number of two.
So last night we were treated to vast swathes of homemade lasagne (extras for me) and this was topped off with chocolate brownies, which were enough in quantity to feed the entire British Olympic team. So immediate was the impact on my constitution, that it was I that was fit to burst and I am sure that the throughput today will be so significant that I am confident I will be attaching bag number four by sundown.
The second reason for the anticipated throughput is that we are off tonight to see Status Quo in the park in Taunton. Whilst they might have their detractors, I have always been a big fan of the denim-clad rockers and I spent many hours as a teenager in my bedroom air drumming to Caroline, Rocking All Over The World and Roll Over Lay Down. The excitement is so physical I am sure it will contribute to the bag count. So I am preparing my washed denim and dusting off the air drumsticks for what I know will be a great night. Rock On!