Go on admit it, the first thing that you looked at was my moobs, not the bag! Nice aren’t they?
That my friends is what a colostomy bag looks like on a sexy motherfucker of a fifty year-old boy from the West Country. Apparently, I have a lovely smooth tummy, no wrinkles or crevasses to get in the way and it’s easy to position and attach each time I change it. Because there is plenty of skin.
I wanted to share this with you – sorry if you are eating breakfast or lunch – because most people won’t have seen one or know what it looks like in the flesh. It just sits there filling up as I go about my normal business. I occasionally struggle with the dilemma of whether to tuck it in to my pants or not, but usually resolve to leave it inside my trousers or shorts and outside of the pants. After all, inside could present a chafing risk and I want to keep that bit of me in pristine condition just in case I do get chance in the future for some rumpy pumpy with the gorgeous Mrs W.
The other challenge at the moment is an occasional battle with gas emissions that are so fierce that the internal bag release system can’t cope, as a result I end up with a highly pressurised balloon attached to my midriff. As a teenage boy I used to awake with an inflated sense of my own self importance propping up the duvet, so it’s quite nice to be reliving the same experience thirty years on.
Recently, I spent a bit of time pondering the potential savings achieved with the bag. I spend approximately 10 minutes per day changing my ‘bag for life’ (two changes of approximately 5 minutes each) and when you compare that to numerous occasions spent in the past sitting on the bog, I think I might be on to a winner. According to recent research, the average man spends 1 hour 45 minutes per week in the toilet, so I think I am probably saving myself between 10 and 15 minutes a week, and of course that doesn’t factor in the savings on loo roll or the reduced electricity bill now that I don’t need to recharge my iPad so often as I don’t need to take it in the loo with me.
So not only am I sexy (stop looking at my moobs), but I am making household savings and probably doing my own little bit to save the environment.